


And I can't help but notice

by Yeonbeanie



Series: Chanbin studio shenanigans [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is Whipped, Bang Chan is a Mess, Fluff, Getting Together, M/M, Self-Doubt, Seo Changbin is lowkey whipped, That gets resolved, Unresolved Romantic Tension, What is this and why did i think it was a good idea, and so is the author, but author regrets nothing, but then again not really, i guess, i guess?, if you can call it that, like that's the whole fic, not really - Freeform, soft, the rating is mature bc of cursing nothing happens tbh, uh...emotions?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:35:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29333145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeonbeanie/pseuds/Yeonbeanie
Summary: It feels like he’s drowning.In a sea as wide as the expanse of his own mind, waves crash against the cliffs, washing over his paper thoughts and slowly taking away everything. He tries to channel it out, to focus, but his head feels hazy, like a thin layer of mist is blocking everything. He knows it’s there, the inspiration he’s needed all along, but he just can’t reach it. It’s as if it’s locked away in a treasure box without a lock or any way to open. With his own thoughts ripped away from him, Chan doesn’t really know what to do anymore.Or: the one where 3racha's studio presumably has no door because objects (and Jacksons) keep showing up mysteriously, bringing Chan and Changbin closer in the process.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Seo Changbin
Series: Chanbin studio shenanigans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2154684
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	And I can't help but notice

It feels like he’s drowning.

In a sea as wide as the expanse of his own mind, waves crash against the cliffs, washing over his paper thoughts and slowly taking away everything. He tries to channel it out, to focus, but his head feels hazy, like a thin layer of mist is blocking everything. He knows it’s there, the inspiration he’s needed all along, but he just can’t reach it. It’s as if it’s locked away in a treasure box without a lock or any way to open. With his own thoughts ripped away from him, Chan doesn’t really know what to do anymore.

He doesn’t know how many hours he’s been stuck in this room, or how much more time has to pass aimlessly for the fog to clear out; All Chan knows is that he can’t fit his thoughts into coherent lyrics. There’s a black notebook sitting in front of him that he feels mocked by just by looking at, when he’s unable to even start. Everything somehow feels _wrong_

_Wrong wrong wrong._

He repeats the word over and over again, opening his notebook almost hungrily, writing down and crossing his words the second they leave an imprint on the cheap paper. Chan knows he’s simply just not in the right headspace to get any work done today, but he pushes anyway. The amount of times he’s done this over the past hour has slipped his mind. Staring at the roof, thinking about everything and nothing, attempting to milk something, anything, out of his agonizing inner debates.

And yet, there’s not a single line that feels right. The page is filled with scribbles that make him cringe and almost want to pull his hair out and cry out of frustration. Everything is so fucking still, like stale water. 

It’s kind of ironic, Chan thinks, how nothing can make water rot but staying still, and he feels like maybe he’s a little more like it than he thought. ever since he let himself heal instead of purposefully trying to make his wounds hurt and bleed, ever since he stopped the storms from taking over his life, he can’t seem to have anything more to say. The thought of it alone hurts, the thought that CB97 is nothing more than the pain he endures, but he has no other choice but to admit it. _It’ll get better_ , someone somewhere in his head whispers to him, but the voice is so soft that it gets lost in all of the chaos in Chris’s head.

“Hyung?” He turns around in his chair only to see Changbin standing in the doorway of their studio.

“Hey” Chan’s voice sounds like it’s stripped of all things that make it his, and the younger’s eyes go wide when he notices. _Chan is in one of those moods_ is practically written on his face as the realization downs on him. Seeing their leader struggling turns the younger a lot more serious than his usual goofy self, and Chan is thankful for that. Changbin closes the door behind him, taking off his beanie and coat awkwardly with one hand while he holds a dark blue plastic container in another.

“I made you a sandwich” The younger says casually while he sets the container down in front of him, picking the notebook with a quiet ‘let me see what you’ve got so far’. His tone reminds the older boy of a mentor’s. Chan thinks it’s kind of funny, as much as it’s ironic.

“Thanks, but you didn’t really have to make this. I could just order some chicken.”

“I mean I didn’t want to do it either, but the mustard expires in two day so I thought why not. Innie always insists on buying this thing even though he never eats it, It’s such a waste” The younger says and Chan nods, almost able to hear Felix squealing and screeching ‘domestic bitches’ in the back of his head. He reaches for the container, struggling to open it for a solid 2 minutes (Seriously though, those bastards are hard to open). When he finally manages to open it, he sees two sandwiches inside, one that has literally everything in their kitchen stuffed in it (Typical Changbin), and two thinner slices of bread stacked against each other with almost nothing but a few pickles in between.

“The first one’s yours, I’m cutting back on a few things.” He mutters while writing down things that Chris can’t even bother trying to read because of the younger’s horrible handwriting.

“A few things? Bin this is just bread and pickles. You already go to the gym so much, stop starving yourself” This isn’t the first time he’s had to remind the rapper of his recent eating habits. Changbin keeps telling him that it’s only for a little while, until he can get back on track, but Chan guesses that the track is almost non-existent at this point. The more Changbin pushes the farther it seems. It makes the older worry more than everyone says he should, but the truth is while he might look strong and all-knowing as ever, he doesn’t think he can take it if another member gets hurt because of ‘cutting back’.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.” The younger says dryly. “where are all the chairs?”

“Jisung broke them.” His gaze follows Changbin’s every move. He isn’t even that close, and yet, Chan feels consumed by him. He can smell the faint scent of The younger’s lavender bodywash clinging to him and the obscene amount of mustard in their sandwiches, can feel a small fire settling inside his stomach just by looking at the younger boy smiling at him awkwardly, and it _hurts,_ not being able to do anything about it in fear of fucking up their entire group dynamic. It really fucking hurts, but Chris manages. He always has.

“he broke all of them? What was he-you know what, I don’t wanna know” Chan suddenly pinches himself, something he does every time he stares for too long. Changbin looks for extra chairs in the small closet-like space they use to store small chairs and equipment they don’t use anymore. But when he doesn’t find anything, he sits down on The leader’s lap instead, reaching inside the plastic lunchbox to pick up their supposed meal, but Chan’s hand is quicker to grab it.

“If you think I’m gonna let you eat dry bread for-

“It’s NOT just dry bread! It has pickles AND mustard!”

“I don’t care if it has pickles or not, it’s too little for lunch. You haven’t eaten anything today.” Then, he attempts to transfer half of his gigantic sandwich into the other one as neatly as he can (which means both sandwiches end up looking like a bomb was hidden in them and it just went off) before he gives one to Changbin, which only earns him a scoff and a glare.

“see? It’s evenly distributed now. The beauty of math.” He internally cringes at that. in his defense, the sentence sounded way better in his head than it did when it was out, but then again, that applies to about 97% of everything that Bang Chan says.

“Hyung, I _really_ shouldn’t eat this, it’s way too m-AHHH” Changbin suddenly screams, losing balance and almost falling off the chair but the older boy’s hands are quick to grab his waist and catch him, an equally horrified expression painting his own face. In the left corner of the room, a hideous monster is staring at them, fucking _smiling_ like it’s Easter day. It’s hideous, it’s creepy…it’s…. _it’s a cardboard cutout of J.Y.Park._

“when the hell did they put this up here?” Chan asks no one in particular, his hand caressing Changbin’s back.

“for god’s sake-why do they keep putting cutouts of PD-nim everywhere these days? I thought he was watching us.” The younger whines.

“Maybe that’s the point. Before they said it was god that watched our every move, now it’s JYP too.” Chan mumbles, glaring at the cutout as he spins them around with the chair so that their backs are now facing that cursed object.

They eat their lunch in comfortable silence after that, their meaningful glances one too many. Chan watches the way Changbin sighs after each bite of his sandwich, eating with a kind of look on his face that the older can only describe as ‘pleasure’, and it makes him smile, even more so when Changbin lays his head on his shoulder.

“Hyung...” the younger suddenly says, quiet and soft, like there’s a sacred being in the room they don’t want to disturb (and I don’t mean the cutout of JYP)

“yeah?”

“Have you ever kissed a boy before?” Chan is caught off guard by the forward question. The younger boy is trying to come off as casual, like asking each other about things like this is something they just _do_ , but the leader sees right through him. his voice is shaking like he’s nervous, and Chan realizes that he’s nervous himself as well, but he plays along.

“yeah, Felix.”

“oh.”

“why did you ask?” Chan pushes because that’s what he’s learned to do with Changbin. The younger only shrugs.

“nothing. I didn’t know you and lixie were a thing though.”

“we aren’t.”

“okay.”

And apparently, that’s the end of that conversation.

He thinks it’s awkward, these times where Changbin acts like he doesn’t really care when they both know he does. Chan kind of wishes that his crush was like the normal ones where he could just stare at the moon and wonder if the boy he likes likes him back, but he supposes knowing your members a little too well could be unsettling at times.

“okay.” He mirrors the younger.

They both nod and resume eating, the unsaid words hanging in the air and making it just a little harder to breathe. After they’ve had their make-shift lunch, they go back to working on the song together, with the occasional trolling Changbin does but like, what’s new. Chan’s so used to the younger boy making fun of him that at this point it has almost become their way of expressing their (undying) love for each other.

It isn’t until a few hours later that they finish the song draft. Chan plays the file, turns the voice recorder on and signals the rapper to start. This is the way they always do it to make sure the lyrics fits the melody right, with recording a demo version with whoever’s in the studio that day. It’s usually 3racha doing it together, but Chan doesn’t really question it when Jisung chooses to email him the songs he produces instead of dragging his ass out of his room and showing them to him. Jisung’s antics are…well…Jisung’s. (he does remember Minho mentioning something about setting the younger’s gaming computer on fire if he doesn’t stop hiding in his room like a rat all day though. Jisung wanted to protest but then he stopped because Minho’s Minho and that automatically grants him the permission to set whatever he wants to on fire whenever he feels like it)

“it’s great” they both say when the demo is finished, looking at each other with a kind of smile reserved for their songwriting sessions only, except Changbin’s smile is faltered even before he attempts to curl his lips upwards. Chan stops the track right then.

“what’s up” it’s not a question, they both know. It feels more like a demand than anything. Changbin looks down, fidgeting with his fingers. Chan grasps the boy’s small hand in his, holding the younger tightly in every possible way. It’s not every day that Seo Changbin acts like this. He’s usually smug and so adorably unbearable, teasing and pulling pranks on every living soul around him. While the younger members like Felix or jeongin might need affection on a daily basis, Changbin is so used to pushing and being pushed around that sometimes people might forget he has feelings too. He isn’t the type to opt for hour-long emotional talks and sweet nothings, so Chan makes sure to be extra careful with him at his vulnerable times. It’s how he knows something is actually wrong.

“You don’t look okay. Tell me what’s going on” Changbin only shrugs, leaning against the older boy’s broad chest and sighing.

“I guess you kind of already know. That makes me mad.” His face is hard, eyes refusing to look at Chan as he stubbornly stares at the roof like it’s the most interesting thing he’s ever seen. Chan swallows. Out of all the times he thought they were gonna be doing this, in his head today was never an option.

“So it’s something I did?” Changbin gives him a look that says ‘don’t take me for a fool Christopher, I know you fucking know what I’m talking about’. The older in turn gives him a look that says ‘I ain’t coming clean until you do’. Changbin looks annoyed while Chan is just hiding behind his cool mask, worried and scared on the inside, but they both roll their eyes and continue playing whatever dumb game this is.

“I know you know us better than ourselves when it comes to these things. It’s like…leader instinct or something, you get off to being in control.” Chan smacks him playfully, which makes the younger of the two roll his eyes. “I didn’t mean-like get off in an emotional way, spiritually. What I’m trying to say is that you know, and I know that you know. I’m actually pretty sure that you even know that I know that you know that I know.”

“wait that got a little too complicated-

“I’m fucking in love with you Bang Chan, and you don’t hate me either, that much I know. why don’t you acknowledge that?” The older boy gulps, letting go of the small hand he’s holding in his own. It’s not a big gesture, but it makes Changbin’s face drop immediately.

“I-I mean it’s…It’s kind of complica-

“There’s no need for fancy words Hyung, I got it.” he sounds like he’s okay, maybe just a little annoyed, but just like he said, Chan knows all of them better than themselves, especially when it comes to Changbin. He takes into consideration the smallest things, like how the younger boy’s voice is just an octave higher, his words rushed and broken, like he’s holding back tears. Chan feels panic rise up in his chest like a snowstorm.

“nonono-I didn’t mean that ohmygod I didn’t-I don’t not like you bin it’s not that seriously I just-“

“you like someone else?”

“no. god, no. I just…look…we’re all best friends and you guys are all like my little brothers, you of all people should know that. but we’re a team before anything else, and as the leader I can’t risk something that big, the stakes are just…we’d be putting _everything_ at risk. That’s why I’m holding back okay? There’s no other reason. ” Changbin frowns, nodding his head while the older boy takes a deep breath and sighs out of relief.

 _“I mean you do you bro but that’s kinda stupid”_ they both freeze.

“let’s hope the cutout hasn’t sprung to life let’s hope the cutout hasn’t sprung to lifelet’shopethecutouthasn’tsprungtolifeOHMYFUCKINGGOD” they start panicking. The evil spirit(?) laughs behind them.

“why the fuck don’t you guys have any chairs here?” and that’s when it downs onto them. That deep voice can only belong to one person and that’s Jackson Wang.

Changbin laughs nervously at their stupid behavior, followed by Chris and Jackson himself, who now has taken a seat on the ground. The two younger boys are quick to scramble to their feet, allowing their senior to take the only seat in the room, but Jackson only shrugs with a ‘it’s more comfortable here anyway’.

“So..uh…what brings you here, Jackson sunbaenim?”

“dude, I’ve told you so many times to stop calling me that! Jackson’s fine. But anyways, as a resident of this dungeon for many years I can surely tell you JYP doesn’t really give a shit about these stuff. Me and Jaebum-hyung were together for a while, we were fine. As long as you bring in money you’re pretty much covered in the relationship area. the connections that man has are scary, but effective.” He finishes his pep talk with a thumbs up and an adorable face expression that you can describe as only Jackson, making them both laugh awkwardly.

“so yeah. It’s okay guys.” Jackson says, smiling as he gets up and ruffles both the boys’ hair before leaving with another sweet smile. Changbin lets out a breath Chan didn’t realize he was holding, running his tiny hand along his hair.

“why the fuck am I so awkward in front of seniors…” he groans, making the leader chuckle as his hands quietly rest on the younger’s waist.

“you weren’t awkward binnie, you were fine. I just don’t…why was he here all of a sudden? How did he even get in?”

“I don’t know, Voodoo?”

* * *

Chan takes some time to think about what Jackson said that night, as he lays in his bed with a very clingy Felix cuddling him and talking in his sleep.

“turn..go…go left…speed up Jinnie, I think my clone is catching up to us…hahaha he doesn’t know I’m the real clone…wait am I real? What if this world is just an illusion? I think I should…brownies…brownies….brow-BROWNIES MATE!” Chan sighs, leaving a soft kiss on the blond’s hair before quietly slipping out of their bed, careful not to wake the other up.

He knows there’s no way he’s gonna get proper sleep tonight, not with Jackson’s every words haunting him anyways, so he decides to at least make something out of it. There’s a project almost begging to be finished, and Chan has always been a midnight kind of guy anyway. He thinks that if he can’t sleep, the least he can do is to milk some progress out of his late-night dilemmas (like that worked so well the first time), so he grabs his jacket and phone and walks out the door.

“Hyung, Where are you going?” Minho’s voice startles him. He turns back to see the brunette sitting on their couch wearing his PJs and with a bowl of cereal in his hand, Changbin and Han sitting on the opposite sides of him in the exact same situation. It’s cute, _all of them, all of them are cute_ , Chris repeats the words over and over again like a mantra, but deep down he knows he has to admit that perhaps the sight of Changbin in his pink Pajamas is affecting him a little more than it should. He feels butterflies start to flap their wings so much inside his stomach, it almost makes him want to double over in this strange but strong feeling that washes over him every time he sees Changbin.

“N-nowhere,” he stutters his way into the next month. “I can’t sleep so I’m gonna go work on something…in the, uh, in the studio.”

“Hyung, wait…I can’t sleep either. Let me come with you” Changbin says quickly after, Rushing to his room and grabbing his coat by the time Chan nods absent-mindedly. “Sungie, aren’t you gonna come with us?” Chan asks (more like literally almost begs) but the youngest of the four only shakes his head, shoving about three spoonfuls of cereal in his mouth before attempting to say the words “I’ll email my stuff to you later” with a smirk that almost has the leader convinced that the little shit knows why Chan’s asking and it’s specifically why he’s turning the offer down.

“whatever” Chan rolls his eyes. Jisung’s smirk only grows bigger.

* * *

“You should’ve worn something more appropriate, binnie. It’s practically freezing” he says as he takes off his own jacket and drapes it over the younger’s frame. Changbin only shrugs while he buries his hands in the pocket of his pink bunny pajamas. “I’m fine”

“Are you sure, though? I mean normally you would’ve tried tormenting and pulling some fatal prank on me at least three times by now.”

Changbin laughs. “I would’ve, but you gave me your jacket. I feel like I owe you for at least a few hours.”

None of them say anything else after that; the only sound being the sweet, awkward silence between them just like the cold wind that dances and twirls between the two bodies. Chan smiles when Changbin reaches closer to take his cold hand with his smaller one, lacing their fingers together.

And right at that moment, as they turn right and step inside their company building hand in hand, Chan decides that he likes this. He likes being like this, somewhere over and between all of the imaginary lines him and Changbin have drawn for their friendship. He loves the fact that they don’t need stupidly romantic confessions, that everything feels so _right_ when Changbin is around.

Because even though Changbin might be annoying and pull way too many pranks on them sometimes, at the end of the day the younger has always been vulnerable with him through and through, and Chan knows he can always count on him to be there, to be his salvation when the storms in his head become too unbearable to deal with on his own.

He just _knows_.


End file.
